Making Connections

I had a breakthrough this week. I don't know if it was the magic of my birthday, or if it was a culmination of everything that I've learned in college up until this point, but something clicked. We were in rehearsal for Guarding Gold Street, doing our third read-through with the newest script, and there was something about the language and scene leading up into my speech and the frustration my character was feeling and the way I personally was feeling about the characters, that when I started to speak, I broke down. I have never, ever, cried like that in a performance of a show, in a rehearsal of a show, watching a show, never. And in the moments of that monologue leading up until when I lost it, I had a subconscious battle with myself. Part of me, the classic, old Madeleine part of me, said, "Don't you dare lose it, you keep that down!" But what's most important about this moment in my life is that the new, riskier, freer me overruled the old me. It said, "No. You are allowed to show real emotion. You are allowed to share this with everyone. Take the risk and go for it."

So I did.

And examining that moment with Joey today led me to an important discovery. Yesterday, my 21st birthday, is going to be the day that I can look back on when I'm older and I will be able to say, "That was the day I became a professional. That was the day, the exact moment, that I finally understood what everyone talks about when they describe how it feels to really act."

And I never want to go back from that. I want to feel that all the time. We can only pray that I am able to find a career doing just that.
But for now, I'm just thankful that I caught that rare glimpse. I'll never forget it.