Moving Forward

This image says: "Without wonder and insight, acting is just a trade. With it, it becomes creation." Moving forward into my last semester of college, I'm really going to have to hold on to these words, not just for She Loves Me and for my classes and what I do there, but also going into auditions and any kind of professional setting. I find myself turning toward classic actors for advice, and I think, just maybe, there could be good things in my future. I certainly hope so, at least.

Accomplishment

There are few things in life that are more satisfying than accomplishing something you've worked on for a long time, or getting something that you worked really hard to get. I'd say this week was one of those weeks that was hellish in scope, but when participating in was actually rather fun.
I finished National Novel Writing Month last night, and I can't even believe how relieved I am that I crossed the 50,000 word mark just 15 minutes before midnight. As a reward, my writing friends and I watched Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog and sang along. It was a wonderful way to wind down the evening after a huge 5,000 word sprint to the finish line.
I also am feeling so blessed to be part of the She Loves Me cast. I think our cast and creative team are so incredible, and the show is going to be not only a lot of fun, but so rewarding. I'm looking most forward to learning from my cast members and interacting with them on stage, and I feel that now I'm at a place where I can really do that.
Anyway, thank God this week is over. On to finals with practically nothing but this final to do!

Ensemble and Atmosphere

It's been one of those weeks.

For some reason, this last week before break (finally!), everything is falling apart and I just want school to be OVER. I'm also starting to think the senioritis is starting to kick in hard. It's a struggle to complete pretty much anything right now, even things I want to do like update this blog and write for NaNoWriMo and get final projects finished... It's like my brain has just shut off and is on auto-pilot until Saturday. I'm not afraid to admit that. It's just the truth.

Be that as it may, I've seen a lot of really great performances in recent weeks. I continue to be mightily impressed by our production of Lysistrata here at Auburn. All my friends do such an incredible job up there, making bold choices, following through with them, making their audiences laugh night after night. Everyone's been really shining in rep class recently, as well, which is always lovely to see. It's so inspiring to be around people that make you want to do what they do, want to go into the practice room and just sing something, anything, to create. I really feel like our department is growing in such positive ways, and it almost makes me sad to leave at the end of the year. (Almost.)

I'm really proud of our student body in the theatre. I think we've all gotten to this place where we work as a well oiled machine. The freshman are wonderfully talented and have claimed their space in the mechanism with pride, the sophomores and juniors continue to do fantastic work to grow, and the seniors... well, we're the seniors xD I do like to believe we've set a pretty good tone for the year, though. I realized immediately upon coming to college that the seniors dictated pretty much everything in the way of atmosphere, and I hope that we've created a welcoming, enjoyable one for the year. I know I strive to do just that every day, to say Hi to someone I don't know very well or don't see very often. I just know that I was miserable freshman year, and I don't want our freshman this year to feel that way. And if that is the one thing I leave behind here, I would be more than okay with that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the idea of ensemble and atmosphere have become really prevalent themes in my life recently, and I understand and appreciate them both now more than ever. I'm grateful to have a wonderful ensemble and atmosphere in my life at the moment. I hope everyone else feels the same way.

2 school days until Thanksgiving, California and DISNEYLAND.

Having a plan... Or so you think

I took a week off last week to focus on Guarding Gold Street, but now I'm back to this blog with guns a-blazin'! This time with a topic that us seniors know all too well: what we're going to do when we graduate. I suppose that is, in fact, the entire point of this Senior Capstone class, is getting us to figure out exactly what we want our next step in life to be, since this is one of the great transitions of our lives. And I think it's fantastic that we all have so many options open to us. But it recently just hit me how overwhelming it can be to have too many possibilities.

Take for instance my personal situation. During the school year, I'll do as many auditions as possible, such as Disney and cruise ship auditions, I'll be going to SETC in the spring, and I'll be sending off my head shot and resume to as many casting directors as I possibly can in the coming months, especially to those in the areas that I'm looking at relocating to. Then, if nothing comes of any of those auditions, I have the choice to either move to LA and live with my parents for a while to find a job and save money (which is never a bad idea, and since I get along so well with my parents it would probably not be as horrible of a situation for me as others would consider it), or move to Washington DC to stay with my aunt and essentially do the same thing there. DC would be my number one choice of any of these routes, but then the obvious questions of money and moving come up.

Which begs the question: are any of these routes even viable?

When you have so many potential routes, it's nearly impossible to tell which one is actually right for you. Or if there's anything else waiting in the wings to make itself noticeable when the time is most opportune. I think we're all stuck right now in this awkward, limbo phase of waiting for audition season, waiting for news of anything, waiting to find out what our next step is. And instead of finding solace in all these potential roads, I'm just finding myself more and more overwhelmed by the fact that any one of these paths could be the right one for me, but I just can't know that right now. I suppose a lot of it is wanting to control my destiny, as cheesy as it sounds, but in many ways, that's exactly what is going on. This is just another constant reminder that we are not always in control of our lives. We have to learn to let go and live in the moment sometimes. This is something I think I'll always struggle with, but it's nice to know that life forces you to learn these lessons, whether you're ready to hear them and learn from them or not. Life doesn't wait for you to be ready. And that's both frightening and liberating.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to see where life takes me after I graduate. I just want to know what that future is. But I guess it's the waiting period that is more rewarding than the actual plan-making. It's in the waiting that you have all the fun =]

How Madeleine Had a Rude Awakening

Okay, it wasn't so much rude as it was utterly bewildering.

In BFA lately we've been over at the RTVF studio learning Acting for the Camera. And let me just tell you:

Acting for the camera is completely different.

You always hear the cliche lines that film acting is much subtler, smaller, more natural and that stage acting is bigger, theatrical and while still natural in that it retains the sense of truth in what you say, it's not necessarily how we would say it in every day life. And walking in to these 5 weeks with John and Bruce, we knew all that. We've heard that a lot. But hearing something in theory and understanding it, and then getting up and doing it literally and understanding it are two totally different things entirely.

We filmed some scenes from "Good Will Hunting" today, just for practice, to get a feel for framing and how rehearsing for scenes work and scoring for a film scene and all that jazz. They didn't expect us to memorize it since they literally handed it to us at the beginning of class. It was expected to be rough. And it was. I think we handled all the changes a little bit better than we thought we would, but that does not negate the fact that before we shot, we felt, collectively, totally lost. Everything, even down to the SCORING of a film scene is different, which was not something that we inherently could have picked up on. The way beats are marked out and the way the scene is constructed in that it has a "value" set on it at the beginning, and somewhere in that scene the value has to change to be the opposite at the end. So if a scene starts out positive in tone (usually with the protagonist), the scene has to end negative. And somewhere in that scene, there has to be a turning point where it is clear to said protagonist that things have changed for them.

This is not the way we think in theatre. We mark out beats, we play objectives, we may even have the "value" thing in common, but the structure of the scene, the way lines are delivered, the whole "bubble" concept that has to include the audience in stage, but must never include the camera in film, everything else is different.

I suppose this is all redundant. Like, "Come on, Madeleine, why didn't you know this before? Why is this such a big revelation to you? You just admitted you'd heard all that stuff before." Which I had. But like I said, doing it and hearing about it are totally different. I guess today was the first true day where those differences were made utterly clear to me.

The BAMF-iest Actresses to Ever BAMF

Can we just talk for a second about how awesome some of the incredible older actresses that we see in everything are? Maggie Smith, Julie Andrews, Angela Lansbury, Carol Burnett... These women are my heroes, and let me tell you why.

Have you seen Downton Abbey? That show is enough proof of Maggie Smith's incredible English snark and comedic timing, not to mention her performances in Harry Potter, A Room With A View, and Hook, but the real clincher about this woman is her strength. She was around 73 years old when she filmed Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and do you wanna know what that woman was going through while filming? Breast cancer. Her second bout of it. Not only that, but her chemo gave her shingles, which caused all of her hair to fall out so she had to wear a wig. And that woman is so strong and resilient, SHE SHOWED UP TO WORK DESPITE THE PAIN. She also happened to kick cancer's ass after that. For the second time. One word to describe that kind of unwavering dedication to her craft: BAMF.

Julie Andrews just turned 77 on Monday. 77 YEARS OLD. And think about everything she's done in those incredible 77 years: Maria von Trapp, Millie Dillmount, Guenevere, Eliza Doolittle, MARY FREAKING POPPINS, Queen Clarisse Renaldi, Victoria Grant... Basically the woman who defined our childhood just turned 77. If that's not a sign of being a BAMF, I don't know what is.

Angela Lansbury. This woman is crazy for many reasons, but let's just focus on the fact that she's practically old as dirt and is still kicking and taking acting roles like she's half her age. She's so spry after her 87 year life span that it's hard to believe she's as old as she is. Seriously, Mrs. Potts can't be 87. The awesome lady that originated Mrs. Lovett and Mame is totally not allowed to be that old. I've basically decided that she's never going to die. She'll live to be 200. And don't you tell me she can't, because if anyone can, it's the BAMF that is Angela freaking Lansbury.

Carol Burnett is the funniest woman to walk this planet. Fact. Don't try to argue. This is a fact that just is. I mean, if you listen to the OBC of Once Upon A Mattress, you'll be enlightened to this bit of knowledge yourself. Seriously, any woman who gets her own show because of her sketch comedy GENIUS and plays Jane Lynch's mother has GOT to be golden. Hard to believe this BAMF comedienne is 79.

Anyway, just thought I'd give a shout-out to the women who have been inspiring me lately. Now, how do I incorporate these women into Guarding Gold Street...

Getting Through and Learning Lessons

There are just days in your life when you feel completely overwhelmed by things you didn't even realize were weighing on your conscience. Sometimes they're a few really big things, or a ton of small things - sometimes it's a combination - but all it takes is one tiny trigger to set you off, something that you may even be completely over even as you get upset by it, and all the walls you didn't know you'd built come crashing down.

Today was one such day.

This may be sharing too much information, or it may only worry whoever reads this (if anyone does), but let me assure you now that I am totally fine. Sometimes you just need to let off a little (or a lot of) steam and let the whole thing blow over. I have done just that, but for about two hours today, I was a mess. And through these two hours, I learned a couple important things about life.

1. It's always important to know who you trust. In my time of need, I was able to turn to people that I knew would only be able to help me, to talk things through and to point out things about myself and my life that I hadn't even noticed. It is so easy to take for granted the people that really care about you, to just forget that they're there and that you could learn something from them. Don't let yourself do that. Embrace what they do for you. And thank them profusely.

2. Never, ever stop taking care of yourself. Being in college or having a full time job is not an excuse to not eat relatively well or to sleep enough. Everyone lets things like that fall by the wayside when things get extremely busy, myself included, it's too hard not to sometimes. But there comes a time when a giant warning sign pops up telling you that you're pushing yourself too hard, and days like today are that big slap in the face you need to wake you up.

3. Have a mental escape. Whatever it is that's eating you up inside, whatever worry or care you have that something won't turn out right or what have you, let it all go. Set aside a time for you to do something mindless or distracting. I'm lucky that I have rehearsal to go to every night, where I'm able to be someone else entirely for about 3-4 hours, but not everyone has that. Build these things into your schedule if you have to. Even if you feel like you don't have the time to spare, do it anyway. Just don't sacrifice sleep for it, okay?

I dearly love all the people in my life, and I dearly love my life. I just have to remind myself occasionally that things aren't always as bad as they seem, and that I will, in the end, turn out all right.

Don't you forget that, too.

Crunch time

You forget when you're working on a new work that, sure, the first part might be all fun just reading new scripts and working on music at your leisure, but there comes a point when you've gotta get stuff done and you hardly have any time in which to do so. I think Guarding Gold Street has hit its crunch time.

Guarding Gold Street is the musical we're doing this fall, a new work by Sean Michael Flowers and Marya Spring Cordes. The students of Auburn who have been working on this show are using these five weeks that we have to workshop and explore. Mostly we're just there working to help Sean figure out how he really wants the show to be. But it's safe to say that while it will always be play, the work aspect has just hit us. Mostly off book by Monday and Tuesday. Completely off book by Friday. Yikes!

But honestly, I'm not sure any of us would really want it any other way. What else would we be doing with our weekend anyway? (Oh wait, there's a football game on Saturday...?)

Either way, it's wonderful to be part of such a collaborative effort. The first time I did a new show, A Beautiful End, I was a freshman and I wasn't on stage a lot, so I'm not sure I fully appreciated what we were doing for Christian or how collaborative of an effort it really was. This time around, so much about the approach is the same, but it feels entirely different. Maybe it's my added age or the nature of the show or the fact that it's a smaller, ensemble cast. I don't know. Whatever it is, though, I know it's going to be an incredible experience. Probably the most important thing I've ever worked on. And if I've already said that on this blog, I apologize, but it couldn't be a more accurate statement to how I'm feeling right now.

Making Connections

I had a breakthrough this week. I don't know if it was the magic of my birthday, or if it was a culmination of everything that I've learned in college up until this point, but something clicked. We were in rehearsal for Guarding Gold Street, doing our third read-through with the newest script, and there was something about the language and scene leading up into my speech and the frustration my character was feeling and the way I personally was feeling about the characters, that when I started to speak, I broke down. I have never, ever, cried like that in a performance of a show, in a rehearsal of a show, watching a show, never. And in the moments of that monologue leading up until when I lost it, I had a subconscious battle with myself. Part of me, the classic, old Madeleine part of me, said, "Don't you dare lose it, you keep that down!" But what's most important about this moment in my life is that the new, riskier, freer me overruled the old me. It said, "No. You are allowed to show real emotion. You are allowed to share this with everyone. Take the risk and go for it."

So I did.

And examining that moment with Joey today led me to an important discovery. Yesterday, my 21st birthday, is going to be the day that I can look back on when I'm older and I will be able to say, "That was the day I became a professional. That was the day, the exact moment, that I finally understood what everyone talks about when they describe how it feels to really act."

And I never want to go back from that. I want to feel that all the time. We can only pray that I am able to find a career doing just that.
But for now, I'm just thankful that I caught that rare glimpse. I'll never forget it. 

Inspiration.

This. A hundred times yes.

Applying yourself.

I think this week's big revelation has just been that if I apply myself to something, I've found I can actually get it done in a timely fashion. This is actually a bigger struggle for me than I think people realize, because I'm extremely lazy. If given the choice to get up and get some work done or to stay in bed and watch Netflix, I'll usually choose the latter. That was okay for the first three years of college (okay, it actually wasn't okay then either, but I could get away with it much easier), but this year I'm leaving. I have to actively search for auditions and get my school work done and memorize memorize memorize and really focus on attaining any sort of goal for after graduation. I can't afford to be lazy anymore. I realize that I have a pretty firm grasp on who I am right now, and when I leave this place, that is probably going to change in radical ways. I'll be more confused than ever. So getting used to working hard now is going to only increase my chances of getting up on my feet after May 5 and on my way to rediscovering who I am.

I've already been making some strides toward getting more focused and applying myself, and I don't know why, but I'm always shocked when it works. The more I force myself off tumblr (life-sucker) and facebook and the more I actually do my work, the prouder I am of myself and what I accomplish. The stronger this skill gets, the more chance I have of being successful, at least marginally, in this career choice.

Oh, life. Why must you be so difficult? 

Interesting Find

I found this on tumblr.

I just found it interesting that this is how artists are viewed in society. Maybe I'm reading way into this, but it just kind of resounded with me after this weeks' reading.

The Beginning

Hello internet! Or just Chase, whoever reads this. This is the first post on my new blog for my Senior Capstone class. I suppose we're blogging once a week to keep tabs on our thoughts as we approach the end of our time in college. Documenting our process of finding auditions or internships or finding the right grad school program for us will be invaluable to us. We can jot ideas down here so we don't forget about them, and so that there's a certain amount of accountability held by you and the internet at large.
Today we had this really great conversation in BFA about our standard rep auditions, and about how we have to have a really stark contrast to whatever pieces we choose to work on. In BFA yesterday with Tom we all had a fantastic time choosing songs to pair with monologues (sorry for the noise level, Chase, we swear we weren't trying to disrupt your Lit Theory seminar!), and I think it was really refreshing for the three of us to realize how fun it can be to prepare audition material. As a whole, I know I've been struggling to find monologues, or maybe I was just blinded by my own laziness, because when I actually applied myself to it, it turned out to be really easy to find sources of audition material. It got me so excited to start this school year when I realized just how wrong I was about it, but it also in turn frustrated me that my whole outlook on finding monologues wasn't altered before my senior year of college. It would have made the past three years so much easier. Better late than never, I suppose xD
I'm not sure what else to talk about, and honestly, I might end up using this blog more than once a week. I have a feeling this year is going to be about really finding myself and my voice and getting the courage to present my true self to everyone I know and will know in the future. I'm probably going to want to document my discoveries throughout this school year.